D Minus 13 Post : Doubt again for the 2nd time …. (Another me, yasu and Him)

something happened 2 days ago on my bus time.

It was not good, it make me feel this way. What i feel until now, this doubt feeling all over me. He just came up just like that, on my bus time in the morning, sit next to me, smiling, talk like what he always do a long time ago, At that time i was blown away back to 2 years ago when we was like this …

yasu    :  him, who is he, me ….?
noi       :  no, of course not …
yasu    :  then he must be Mr. Friday …
noi       :  i wish it was him, but not ….
yasu    :  so there’s someone else but Mr. Friday ne …
noi       :  yeah, 2 years ago …

maybe it would be great if he is Mr. Friday, because everything is because of him. what i did to him, let him wait just like that and then leaved him with no reason at all when he asked me to move on the next level.

Oh God, i am such a bitch ne, i was so evil. And all reasons that i have is just not reasonable enough to make me think if i made the right decision, …. Let someone in the middle of yes and no it was like leaving somebody in the middle of the ocean in a small boat.

1st thing he said to me is  how are you? …. with the same smile. He said he really want to see me because somehow he had a dream about me. OMG i hope that’s not a dirty dream  ….. when i ask what kind of dream he said he forgot it.

Ah ya forget about something often is one of our thing in common. He said remember how good we are together? …. etc etc and the worst part is comin when he ask me  how can we be like this? how could you do that to me, you broke my heart you know ….. etc etc and many more.

God, i didn’t even dare to look at his face that day, so what is did just look outside the window while sayin i am sorry over and over again. …. Then he said that he found someone now, his mother is the one who set them both and he also said they were engage last month. …

i ask him  nee you came here just to say that to me? why didn’t you just call me, … (Malaysia is far ne, we can’t go there by bus it must be by plane) then he said he knew i am not gonna answer his phone call. On the 2nd bus stop he jumped off the bus and say good bye to me and how he really wish i am gonna be happy. just like that

i feel so bad ne, because i know something called karma is exist, i broke somebody’s heart, who was so kind to me, love me and did many things for me. and do you think someone is gonna break ny heart for return? i mean the karma ….

this karma things make make this doubt feeling came to me start that day, so when i got home, i said to Tekki what if we (i mean me cancel the trip to Bangkok?) and she was so mad at me and said many things Oh God i am screwed …


right now i am so scare about everything, i don’t wanna do anything and all i want to do is only one  : lock my self in my room and do nothing but stare at my telly …. this all because Mr. Friday and how stupid i am for not forget about him until now.

yasu     :    great, now you blame Mr. Friday for what just happened …?
noi        :    who else but him, i am not gonna blame you ne …
yasu     :    there’s someone else you can blame, ….
noi        :    who …?
yasu     :    that person is you, yourself, how many times i told you to get over him?
noi        :    not a million times yet ….

A  moment ago i even search him (read : Mr. Friday, not yasu) on Facebook and open his Facebook page. Can you believe if he locked his Facebook account and only share only with his friend and now i can’t steal his photo …… kyaaaa …… *rolling on a cold asphat to Osaka*

noi        :     nee ya_san, should i add him as friend? …..  *mentally broken* …
yasu     :      what the …. hey you better go to sleep now …
noi        :     you’re right, i better sleep now, tomorrow is gonna be fine ….

ah ya before my bed time,  i remember somebody post to me on twitter (read : tweeted me) about where do i bought all my Acid Black Cherry merchandise. i think not many people know about this stuffs. but i bought in on mu_mo shop for Fan Club, if you are Fan Club member you can use ID number plus your postal code to enter the FanClub store on mu_mo. so you can buy all the Fan Club edition CD single plus the merchandise as bonus.

but not a Fan Club member it doesn’t mean you can buy all of that, because there’s always 1,000 ways to Rome. CD Japan has a Special Request Shopping Service  <—– click there ,  where you can buy stuffs like this. i never try it anyway but i am gonna try it one day ….

oke now i better get some sleep i hope all this bad thing in my mind gonna left in the dream land and Akihide is gonna deal with it (eeetto Akihide is in Dream Land or Wonderland?) . so when i wake up it gonna be okay , and about this doubt that i feel, i am gonna say like what Philip Seymore Hoffman on Doubt movie say :

Doubt can be a strong and support bond such as certainty …

and i better prepare my self if one day the karma comin and somebody is gonna break my heart just like what i did to him. But i don’t think that’s gonna happen soon, at least not this year, maybe next year.

because right now  i am still how i am, the same me  who is 100% mentally broken for fallin in love to a man (read : yasu) who is absolutely not know my existance, and let myself lost in this fandom world, … well at least he is not gonna break my heart …

noi        :    right …..?
yasu     :    but what if i did ….?
noi        :    you mean if you have to do that …
yasu     :    yes, …
noi        :    then that would be fine, because you can do anything to me, breaking my heart is one of them and i prepare my self a long time ago for that ….
yasu     :    good then go to sleep now

~owari~

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